


Writer's Block: Rejected Pages of the Tale of the Inquisitor

by masseylass



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Multi, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27077704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masseylass/pseuds/masseylass
Summary: Varric's "Tale of the Champion" was a huge success back in Kirkwall. Now he intends to monopolize on Trevelyan and his adventures. The only issue is that the Breach is kind of distracting, and it's giving our hairy-chested friend a serious case of writer's block. Many a pages have been crumpled and tossed into the waste bin. These are those pages.
Relationships: Dorian Pavus/Male Trevelyan
Kudos: 5





	1. Trevelyan's Coat

\- and through the clashing of steel and Solas’s fireballs emerged a man, a man wearing the most hideous shade of green I had ever seen; a color so offensive that demons actually started crawling back _into_ the Breach just to get away from it. And _that_ was Trevelyan and his ugly coat.


	2. Parmesan Armor

All eyes were on the Inquisitor as he slammed a massive wedge of cheese onto the table. "What in the name of Andraste is-" began Cullen. Before he could finish his question, Trevelyan plucked a stick out of his hair and said,

"Listen, it's cheese. I know it's cheese. But it's also a shield." He followed up his comment by _pbt pbt pbt_ ing his tongue between his lips to get some dirt out of his mouth.

"I uh...I can see that, your worship, but that doesn't explain why you're covered in leaves and mud," said Josephine.

"Just got back from Crestwood."

The commander's brows flew up onto his forehead. "Crestwood? That's miles to the north. You didn't seriously-"

"Run back here with a big ass wedge of cheese in my arms? Oh yeah."

"We could have sent for a boat, you know." Leliana did not look impressed. Neither did Josephine. Cullen, on the other hand...

"I'm sorry but can we please address this...this... _cheese shield?_ Where did you say you found it again? Crestwood, but where, precisely?"

The Inquisitor bounced back and forth from the balls of his feet to his heels, arching his back. A satisfying pop filled the room. "Ah, much better. Anyway it was on like, this ledge thing." His audience blinked. Obviously the scope of this information wasn't going to satisfy them. "What else do you want to know? It was a ledge. I wanted to see what was up there so I climbed it and found a cheese shield. Seriously, out of all the things that have happened to me, to us, to the Inquisition, _this_ is what you take issue with?"

"Please forgive me, Inquisitor," began the ambassador, poking at the possibly edible equipment with her forefinger. "It is not that we take issue with this, er, _unique_ find, it's just that...well, does it go to the armory or to the kitchen?"

"That depends if it's edible or not," insisted the spymaster. 

The commander scratched his stubble and said, "I suppose that makes sense, though I won't be the one to find out." 

The Inquisitor, ambassador and spymaster all looked to one another, their green, blue and brown eyes locking. And all at once the room erupted in "NOT IT!"s. Fortunately for them, fate would open the doors to the war room at that precise second, and in would walk the only person in the span of the Inquisition who could possibly be up to the task.

"Shite, I dunno," said Sera, who had now been licking the wedge for two minutes straight. After one, final slurp, she said, "Doesn't taste very good. Wouldn't trust it against Coryphenis either. Well, that's it then innit? Cut it in half, send half to the kitchen, half to the armory. Oh look, there's a little dagger inside. Heheheheheh. _Little dagger._ Get it? Like Lordybreaches and his little-"

"Just...do what she says so she leaves," pleaded the Inquisitor.

"Pffftttttt. All serious, you lot. No, you know what? I'm keeping this. You can have it back when you learn how to be fun!"

And that's how Sera got a hold of parmesan armor.

-

**NOTE TO SELF: You have a million and one interesting stories to choose from and you chose the cheese-shield incident? Come on Varric, get it together.**


	3. Serial Suggestions

_"Varrrrriccc!_ slurred the Inquisitor. Ugh, I knew I should have never let him and Hawke drink together. They were strewn across the top of the table like ragdolls. Drunk, sad ragdolls. Drunk, sad ragdolls found in a Kirkwall gutter. They sure smelled like it, anyway. 

"Oh boy," I laughed. Well, externally. Internally I was weeping because I was gonna be the guy who ended up peeling him off the floor at the end of the night. "You are both _wasted._ "

"VARRICK. Varric." He pointed a finger at me and waggled it around like a floppy sausage. "Listen to me. I'm the Inquisitor, so you have to listen. Or, well, that's what my advisors tell me anyway."

"I'm right here you know. Besides, I don't think I could stop you from talking if I tried."

Hawke was at least as drunk as he was because she tilted her head back to laugh, but all that came out with this loud, rasping wheeze before she collapsed forehead-first onto the table. 

"Ignore her, she's drunk," insisted Trevelyan. "Now listen to me. This is very important. It's about your brooks."

"My brooks?" 

"Books. Your books," he corrected. "So. Look. You have a crime serial, right?"

" _Hard in Hightown,_ yeah."

"Right, right. And you have a romance serial, yeah?"

" _Swords and Shields._ What about them?"

Hawke glanced up to see the Inquisitor stand up from the table and march right up to me. He cradled my face in his hands. It was...weird. Remember when Trevelyan saw Corypheus for the first time? Well, he had this hard look in his eyes, the look of a man who had seen too much, who had the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was this serious, determined expression he seldom showed, and only ever in moments where a life-changing decision was about to be made. That was the look in his eyes as he cupped my cheeks. He leaned down and whispered, "You got their names backwards Varric."

And at that moment, my entire world came to a screeching halt. "Ho...lee...shit." It was such a big revelation ~~that I ended up getting drunk with Hawke and Trevelyan and signed over my editorial rights to them that night~~

**REMINDER: write back to ACTUAL editor and tell her that I never actually fired her. Someone stole my identity, forged my signature, and signed over the rights when I was out of town. Yeah, that should hold up.**


	4. The Bardic Farts

I don't know what inspired Trevelyan to come up with his own music. Okay, actually, I do. It's that damned bard, Maryden or whatever her name is down at the Herald's Rest. I swear that bard sings the same four songs on a loop. Well, Trevelyan really doesn't have a knack for writing (or singing, _trust_ me), so he asked some of his followers to write their own verses so he could cobble together a song.

About a week later I'm sitting at the inn and Maryden starts singing. The first verse is something about honor and courage, and I can tell right out the gate that it's something Blackwall wrote. The next verse is full of alliteration. Cole, obviously, and so on, and so forth. Verse after verse is played until finally, at the _very_ end of the song, I shit you not - - the bard pulls out a kazoo. Where do you even get a kazoo in Skyhold?!

She plays it for FIVE. SOLID. MINUTES. The entire inn is silent except for the occasional murmur of _Andraste's ass, this is horrible_ or _I wish I had died at Haven._ And just when we all think it's over, I realize the level of commitment this lady pours into her craft because she actually starts making fart noises. This goes on for, you guessed it, ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES. Imagine a handful of twenty-second poems followed up by ten solid minutes of kazoo and fart noises to the tune of _The Ballad of Nuggins._

Finally, the bard bows. Two people clap. And someone - _Maker can only guess who_ \- from the second floor of the tavern laughs and screeches, "Eat it! _EAT IT!_ "

**Author's Note:**

> You know when you're playing a video game and you think about dialogue characters could potentially have, or funny situations they might end up in? This is why I made this fanfic. An amalgamation of silly ideas that don't really fit in anywhere else.


End file.
